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  “Oh, dear. You…”

  We stopped in front of the door and I looked at Drea. “I… what? What were you going to say?”

  “Nothing. I just hate that you feel like Jack is trying to avoid you. Especially after the way he treated you when he said he wanted a divorce. He’s… Such a dolt. Really, just a complete wanker.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “Okay… Why do I feel like you’re hiding something from me?”

  She blinked. “What? Me? No, no, no. I would not hide anything from you.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “Okay…”

  I punched in the pin code on the deadbolt and was surprised when I heard the familiar whirring followed by a click. Jack hadn’t changed the code on the front door after I left. Either he didn’t expect me to return, or he wanted me to return.

  I shook off this thought and set off straight for the hallway leading to the bedroom. I wanted to get a bracelet my mother had given me, and a few of my favorite outfits. But as I walked down the corridor, I couldn’t help but notice the doors to Jack’s office and the extra bedroom were open.

  The extra bedroom, where Jack and I had kept the piled up boxes of Junior’s things, was completely empty. I didn’t know if this meant that he’d thrown it all away or if he had finally put the boxes in a storage facility, as he’d promised. A sharp pain bloomed in my chest as I considered both of those possibilities.

  “Are you okay, love?” Drea asked, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

  I nodded as I continued toward the bedroom, but I stopped as I passed the door to Jack’s office. It too was wide open. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized all the walls in the office were completely devoid of case evidence. The glass desk had been cleared off, except for his iMac computer, a Halo Inc. mug full of pens, a notepad, and a football autographed by Russell Wilson.

  I turned to face Drea. “Was it me?” I whispered.

  She shook her head. “What do you mean?”

  I lowered my gaze, unable to look her in the eye as I said the words. “Was it me keeping Jack from moving on?”

  Drea pulled me into her arms. “Don’t even think such a thing. You tried your best, Laurel. Don’t think for one second that you were keeping Jack from moving on.”

  I wiped my face as I pulled away from her. “But maybe I was just encouraging him to hold onto all that rage by fighting with him all the time.”

  “That’s silly, and you know it is,” she replied. “If you or Jack are finding peace in each other’s absence, it just means you needed a break. You still love him, don’t you? I mean… That kiss… You don’t think you’re in love with Isaac, do you?”

  “No,” I blurted out. “I mean… I don’t think so… I don’t know!” I covered my face in shame. “Oh, God. I’m a horrible wife and person.”

  Drea grabbed my shoulders and gave them a gentle shake. “No, you’re not! You need to stop this nonsense. You need to call Jack’s assistant and demand to speak to him.”

  “But you said he was out of town? Do you know where he is?”

  She narrowed her eyes and chewed on her lip as if she was contemplating something. “I don’t, unfortunately. But I can talk to Barry and see if maybe he knows. In fact…” She looked around as if she were trying to make sure we were really alone. “I overheard Barry making plans to get beers with Jack and Nate this week. I’ll tell Barry to tell Jack that he’d better show up on your doorstep with his heart in his hands very soon, or I will personally rip his heart from his chest with my bare hands.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know if I should thank you or get a restraining order against you.”

  “Thank me,” she replied, her pert mouth curling into a devious smile. “Thank me by reconciling with Jack so you can move back here and see my darling face every day.”

  I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss. And as warm and sensual and right as it felt, I couldn’t think about it without feeling sick to my stomach. The guilt was only part of the cause. Mostly, what was making me queasy was the sick feeling that it was too late for Jack and me.

  After gathering a few outfits and my mother’s bracelet, and promising Drea I would be ready to party for my thirtieth birthday next week, I made it back to Portland by 4:15 p.m., just before the peak of rush-hour traffic. As I pulled onto my street and saw my mother’s house, I cried tears of joy at the sight of Dylan leaning on the porch railing. He looked up as I pulled into the driveway, and his familiar eyeglasses made me even more emotional.

  “I’m so happy to see you,” I blubbered as I climbed the porch steps.

  He shook his head and laughed. “How is my favorite hot mess?”

  “Not good,” I replied, resisting the urge to glance in the direction of Isaac’s house as I unlocked the front door.

  Dylan followed me inside and shut the door behind us. “What happened? You didn’t finally get the divorce papers, did you?”

  I wiped my face as I hung the keys and my purse on the hook near the door. “No, but thank you for reminding me it could be worse.”

  Dylan and I plopped down on the sofa as I got him up to speed on everything that had happened since he’d moved out: my Halloween celebration with Isaac, our attempt to go to the shooting range, the awkward moment in my SUV, and the even more awkward kiss earlier this morning. I told him about my trip to Hood River and how Jack had cleared out all the case evidence and boxes of Junior’s stuff.

  “I’m more confused than ever. I feel like I should be settling into this new reality of life without Jack, but it only gets harder and lonelier with every passing day.” I used the cuff of my sleeve to wipe the tears on my cheeks. “And the worst part is, I know I should be angry with him for hate-fucking me and dumping me in such a cruel way, but I can’t. All I want is to hear his voice.”

  Dylan sighed. “I actually know how you feel. My mom may be a little backwards in her beliefs, with the whole ‘being gay is a mental illness’ thing. But I still miss her and her special brand of crazy.”

  “I think we both need a hug.”

  He smiled as he beckoned me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his skinny waist and rested my head on his shoulder as he leaned back into the corner of the sofa.

  “I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose my mom the way you lost yours,” he murmured into my hair. “But I know how much it sucks not having a mom to turn to for anything. Even the little things, like remembering to get your favorite kind of cookies when you’re feeling depressed.”

  Dylan held me close, stroking my hair the way Jack used to, but never quite the same.

  “Did you tell Houston and Rory to buy me that perfume they brought me?”

  “What perfume? Is that what you’re wearing? It’s gorgeous,” he said, taking a loud sniff of my hair.

  I laughed. “That’s my shampoo. I don’t put perfume in my hair. And you know what perfume I’m talking about. The one in my mom’s bedroom.”

  He let out a nervous chuckle. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, sweetie.”

  “Of course you do,” I replied. “Houston and his wife came over here with that merch box and they also brought me a birthday gift. I know they didn’t just magically know that was my mom’s favorite perfume. It had to be you who told them. The almost-empty bottle has been on top of the dresser in my mom’s bedroom since before you moved in. You must have seen it in there and thought it was mine.”

  “Honey, if you think I pay attention to stuff like empty perfume bottles, you’re a bigger whackadoo than I thought.”

  I lightly smacked his chest. “It had to be you. Wasn’t it?”

  “Sorry, but I’ll take the credit. It sounds like a very thoughtful gift.”

  I sighed as I wondered if the gift really was a coincidence, or was it Jack or Drea who told them.

  I shook my head at this painful thought. “Why does love have to hurt so much?” I asked.

  “I don’t know,” Dylan replied. “But I think love onl
y has the power to hurt you if you let it. I mean, who says love is supposed to break you when you fall? Maybe it just makes you stronger.”

  I shook my head. “I used to think whatever didn’t kill you made you stronger. Until my son was killed and I realized that saying only applies to strong people. I’m not strong, Dylan. I’m weak.”

  “You’re not weak. Don’t say that.”

  I swallowed hard. “I wish I wasn’t weak. But it’s true. Jack literally fucked me then kicked me out. And he admitted that he lied about wanting another baby. And I still want him back. How fucked up is that?”

  “He lied about wanting a baby?”

  This was the first time I had admitted this aloud, and it sounded even worse coming out of my mouth than it had when Jack made the admission.

  Dylan was silent for a long moment, then he sighed. “If you’re fucked up, then I’m hopeless, because I can’t stop wishing I could experience just an ounce of what you two have.”

  “What about that guy you met on Tinder right before you moved out? What was his name? Hunter?”

  “His name is Carter, which sounds nothing like Hunter.”

  I laughed. “They both end with -ter.”

  He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. We went on one date, where he admitted he was seeing someone else, he just wanted a little side action, which I am so not okay with. Everyone has someone, except me.”

  “And me.”

  He sighed. “Guess we’ll just have to be happy to have each other.”

  “I’m very happy to have you.”

  “So am I, Goldie.”

  We snuggled in silence for so long my mind began to wander to the places I usually tried to avoid. The dark corners of my mind where thoughts of death and loneliness grew like poisonous vines. The place where I relived the worst night of my life, and allowed myself to wonder if they had suffered.

  I shook my head to clear away the images. “What do you want to happen to your body when you die?” I asked Dylan, hoping to gently steer my mind away toward a less gruesome aspect of death.

  “I want to be cremated,” he replied instantly. “Then, I want my ashes attached to fireworks. And when they’re shot into the sky, the ashes will explode into a cloud of dust, and the fireworks will spell out: DIRECTED BY M. KNIGHT SHYAMALAN. And then I’ll come back to life. It will be the best twist ending ever.”

  I smiled as I squeezed him as hard as I could. “I love you.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “I love you most.”

  Chapter 17

  Jack

  My gaze flitted toward the sparkling bottles of bourbon behind the bar. I wanted to hurl my glass of club soda at the wall and throw back half a bottle of the first liquor I could get my hands on. Anything to drown out the words in Drea’s latest text message, which were playing on a loop in my sober brain. “Her doubts are taking root. If you don’t get back here soon, you’re going to lose her.”

  The irony was that, during dark and desperate moments like these, this was when I wished I could call Laurel most. But I wasn’t ready. I didn’t deserve to hear her voice. Not yet.

  And I was going to play this right. I was going to make sure Brandon paid for what he did to us. Only then would I deserve another chance with my pixie.

  I sighed as I opened up my Facebook app and saw the same inane speculation in the Justice for Jack Stratton Jr. group. Laurel had deleted her social media accounts within a few weeks after the murders. I couldn’t even check up on her via ordinary Facebook stalking. Instead, I settled for looking through the albums in my Photos app.

  I started with the honeymoon album. God, she was majestic in that wedding dress. But when we got on the private plane, and she pulled that white satin ribbon out of her hair, I was floored. Her blonde hair spilled over her shoulders in tousled waves, her full lips shimmering with the sheen of saliva as she got on her knees and began undoing my trousers.

  I skipped past the photo album containing the pictures of the day we moved into our old house. I didn’t want to see how ecstatic and painfully oblivious we were. Instead, I opened up Junior’s birth album.

  As I scrolled through the photos, an aching lump formed in my throat. I laughed to myself when I saw the picture of Laurel holding up her T-shirt to reveal the panda face she’d drawn on her pregnant belly. But my favorite was the picture I’d taken of Laurel and Junior on our first day back from the hospital.

  Laurel still had a slight pooch on her belly—evidence that Junior did in fact exist. Her eyes were closed as she cradled Junior in her arms, her nose resting on his soft forehead. I imagined she was sniffing him. She loved the way he smelled.

  “What the fuck are you doing?”

  My gaze snapped up at the sound of my best friend Nate’s voice. “Hey, what’s up?” I said, clicking off my phone screen as I slid off the barstool to greet him with the usual handshake-slash-one-armed-hug. “Thanks for coming, man.”

  He shook his head as he sat on the stool to my left. “Do I ever say no to you? Where’s Barry?”

  I looked at the time on my phone screen. “Should be here soon,” I said, glancing over my shoulder. “There he is.”

  Drea’s husband Barry walked in the restaurant and bypassed the hostess to join us at the bar. He nodded at us as he approached. “How’s it going, mate?”

  “Could be better,” I replied as he took the stool on my right. “Did that board meeting happen yet?”

  We shook hands and he passed me the USB drive I’d asked him to create with all of Jade’s and my work files. I was surprised at my own sleight of hand as I slid it into the sleeve of my button-up.

  Barry let out a breath through pursed lips. “Not yet, but I’ve heard rumblings about a possible meeting next Monday. My educated guess is it’s just a formality. I saw Kent pulling Jade aside a couple of hours ago.”

  I shook my head. “He really thinks Jade is going to choose to stay there? Man, I knew Kent was out of touch, but I didn’t know he was blind.”

  Barry and Nate both ordered a beer. Nate tried to order me one, but I told the bartender not to bother.

  “I’m trying to cut back,” I said when Nate shot me a look of disbelief.

  He nodded. “Damn. You really are turning over a new leaf.”

  I chuckled. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I sure hope it works.”

  “Now you’re sounding like me, every day at work,” Barry said, grabbing the pint of beer the bartender slid in front of him.

  I shook my head. “You are aware that, until the board votes me out, I’m technically still your boss.”

  Barry nodded. “Mm-hmm. Doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing half the time.”

  I lifted my glass of club soda. “To being clueless.”

  “Here-here,” Barry said, raising his pint and taking a few large gulps.

  “How’s your brother doing?” I asked Nate.

  Nate’s brother Matt had been working for me as a full-time bodyguard, up until a few weeks ago when Laurel’s bodyguard, Ace, and Isaac got in an altercation. I told Matt, and the other two men on our four-man security detail, to take a few weeks of paid time off while I figured things out.

  “He’s having the time of his life, getting paid to play CoD.”

  “Can you even call yourself a gamer if you only play one game?” I replied jokingly. “I guess I’m happy to enable his gaming addiction.”

  “He’s just trying to lay low and be on standby in case you need him back.”

  I nodded. “That’s good, because I do need him. I want him to come with me to Boise. I’ll give him a call when I leave here.”

  Nate took a long pull on his beer and set it down gently on the mahogany bar top. “So, are you going to tell us what the fuck you’re doing over there?”

  “I can’t. Not yet, anyway,” I replied, pushing my now-empty glass toward the bartender. “But I’m pretty sure it’s all coming to a head tomorrow night. That’s all I can say
for now.”

  Barry shook his head. “Well, I’ll tell you one thing, mate. According to Drea, if you don’t get your arse to Portland and get down on your knees to beg Laurel’s forgiveness sometime in the next, oh, five minutes, Laurel is going to start sticking her neighbor’s willy in every one of her orifices. Orifices…? Orifi? What’s the plural for orifice?”

  “Did you just say willy? Actually, forget that. Did something happen between Laurel and her neighbor?” I demanded.

  Barry scratched the scruff on his jaw. “I reckon you’d better ask Laurel that question. I’m just the messenger.”

  I let out a sigh. “Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to get worked up. I’m just… I’m pumped to have this whole thing over with.”

  “Well, you said it would be over tomorrow night, didn’t you? If I were you, I’d plan to be in Portland the next day.”

  I didn’t like the way Barry was hammering this sense of urgency. It put a wild fear in me, like something had already happened between Laurel and Isaac, and no matter how fast I got to Portland, it wouldn’t be fast enough.

  “Thanks for the heads up,” I said, grabbing my newly-filled glass of club soda. “But I need to trust that I’m making the right decision.”

  I drained my glass and left Barry with my gratitude and a promise. I assured him that when I was inevitably bought out of Halo, he would have a home at whatever new venture I started down the road.

  “Go do your thing, brother,” Nate said, as I got up to leave. “We’ll keep an eye on Laurel’s orifices.”

  “Don’t make me knock you on your ass,” I warned him, unable to keep myself from smiling as I left the restaurant.

  But as I got in my truck and headed away from Hood River toward the airport, I wondered how long it would be before my smile returned. If tomorrow night didn’t go as planned, I might not earn my way back into Laurel’s good graces. Actually, and possibly more importantly, if tomorrow night didn’t go as planned, I might not make it back to Portland alive.